Paranoid!

~Never go into a relationship
and doom it from the beginning,
but dont go into it expecting it to last forever~

wat a quote..
d meaning is so deep..
wats with the title anyway?
yeah.. dis word came frm my frnd, mimi..
whenever i expressed to her bout my problems with my bf,
she’ll said.. ko jgn nk paranoid, bleh tak?

huhuhu
how not to become paranoid?
dats the question..
im not tryin to be..
n i dunt want to be dat way..

uve got the ups and down in a relationship..
probably more down than up for me..
its hard to begin, and its harder to end it..
go with the flow..
jodoh tak kemana..
forgive and forget (wat jijie just said to me)..
saying those words seems easy, but applyin it in daily lives..
hmm i thnk its difficult..

somethings getting in d way, sumthins just bout to break..
im not hapy in wat i do.. im not hapy who i chose to b wit..
wat d hell is wrong wit me..
i pray to God each n every day.. hoping d bst for me in future..

im sick wit my life… i regret wat i did in past..
but i just move on.. and on.. gather my spirit..
and hoping wats in d past will not return in present..
have u ever wonder y ur alive?
y God gave u a soul with your body?
i shouldnt think like dat..
but i guess i should just live my life better..

its been almost 25 years for me living in this world..
but what have i done that makes me satisfied wit myself?
urghhh..
im being paranoid again..
i alwiz felt so small, bcoz of my small body i guess..
i alwiz felt stupid, eventhough im smart..
i alwiz felt im ugly, bcoz of nt having dat ‘body power’..
i alwiz felt left behind, bcoz of unsuccessful relationships i had..
im not being me..
i wish i cud be.. but i cannot find myself..
im being hypocrite to be dat gewd person.. or to be dat bad person..
watever..

i have to think positive..
sumtimes, i wonder if i could just runaway and leave all behind..
be a new person..
i should be hapy wit my life..
but i guess im not dat happy now..
evrtying wat evolves around us will come again and again..
and only we ourselves who can say no or yes..
to take it or leave it..
to say it or just do it..
huhhh…

life aint easy…
but im still thankful to b a muslim..
i remembered when its like when i forgot God for a while..
life felt hopeless, evrthings just not rite..
but now, i know where i could hang on to..
i dont want to give my 100% attention to d one i luv,
its not bcoz im ego.. well, just a little.. huhu
its bcoz im afraid..
afraid of losing.. afraid not to be the same person again..
i shall be awaken!

wats left to say

its been for months since my last blog..
dis is my first day working after raya..
and im stting here thinking wat to say ere,
even though got tons of works to do..
i guess i can call it ‘relax-earlier-but-tensed-last-minute’ kind of work..
hmm.. raya dis year was kinda different for me..
bcoz i clbrated with d one i luv..
samo2 ore klate..
dats the best part when u have sumone with d same kampung as u r..

well, actually my emotions are all mixed up rite now..
i dont know if this relationship is based on love, or its just fate?
fate as like..
u believe its fate, and u seem u dont care where this relationship will lead u too..
ur not being serius, u dont care bout other feelings, u just say lov u but eventually ur mind is thinking sumone else..
just go with the flow, my mind is telling me.. but its not easy..
need lots of patience…

i hate being in dis situation..
i hope i could get over evrthing in the past..
dis is y it is so hard falling in lov with ur ‘almost 9yrs’ bstfrnd..
u know their past, n when u think of it, ull make a comparison..
and that makes me mad..
i dont want this but it happened..
hope wats in future will be a happy ending after all..

after wat ive been thru, ups and downs..
emotionally hurt, i dserve better..
i dont know wats goin to happen..
but im feeling theres sumthing wrong..
sumthins getting in d way, sumthins just about to break..
hopefully not..

invisible mann..

i hope i could be invisible.
stalking to know the truth.
wandering around freely without being seen.
lonely, but away from problems.
listen as people speak.
talking without voice.
no one can know wat u think.
confused. crying inside. asking for help.
all i want is the truth.
curious leads to burden.
wondering painfully.
breathe for a while.
think positively.
as the truth given, the brain accepted as lies.
1001 questions should be answered.
but only a quarter could be explained.
others would be seek afterwards.
waiting for the truth that might hurt.
or it might be a lie after all?

mnuju kemajuan…. la sgt..

i wont vote.
waste of time.
wont read papers lately.
skrg baru nk terhegeh2 maju kan inila, itula.
im not one of the stupid rakyat that will fall for all the bullshits talk.
barang naik, minyak pon nak naik lagi.
hows dat going to help the rakyat konon2nyer?
we have got more people suffering and tak ckup mkn.
and u all sibuk mengkayakan kroni2 yg semmgnyer da kaya?
majukan itu, majukan ini..
think wisely.
murahkan barang, murahkan all the foods, murahkan daily things.
and people can eat. people can work hardly. people can live.
why want to raise the tolls?
i dont even see any improvements.
still got motorcyclist in the middle of the road and menyusahkan nk memotong.
if i accidently hit them, who should be blame?
me right? it will not be the motorcylist fault for riding in the right side of the road!
should build a special road for motorcycles since there’s a lot of motorcyclist here
in this country.
but where does all the money for d toll go?
i wonder…

i gave u an example here. In america, executives have the same salary with us, 2000 katakan..
their foods,example biscuits, cornflakes or watsoever can be bought as low as 1 dollar. that goes
for detergant also. their branded clothes, GUESS for example, can be bought as low as 20 dollars.
their cars also cheap. correct me if im wrong.

but for us, belilah barangan buatan malaysia pon, semuanya mahal! gaji executive pon dlm
lingkungan 2000 gak, beli makanan pon mahal. sume nak naik. kalau baju2, paling cikai pon leh
dpt 15rgt. kereta malaysia pon mahal.. nak2 sama harga ngn outsiders nyer.

day by day, rakyat makin susah.
this will lead to keruntuhan moral and watsoever.
ewah, mcm wat karangan pmr lak.

but im still thankful for living in malaysia.
its just that im not satisfied buying papers yang dari page awal ke akhir, all about.. ergh
nothing useful or berinformasi.
nk ktuk mengutuk, wat le paper sdri.
waste of money.

im sorry if this blog is terlampau.
but i dont think so.
im saying ere wat others r saying oso.
save the people, save the world. (as said in heroes, i changed the cheerleader)
hahaha
u want to majukan ape2, help the rakyat first.

i luv malaysia.. islam is d way..

miluv

sumtimes u make me laugh,
sumtimes u bring tears to my eyes..
sumtimes i hate u..
but most of the time i luv u..
last night i recieved a card frm u…
tot it was sumthing romantic..
but it was only a gong xi fa chai card..
cute though..
last 2 yrs, u gave me a raya card.
last yr, u gave me a deepavali card.
and dis year, gong xi fa chai card??
whoa, so romantic bf.
hahaha!
there r times i just wanna go back home intro yr arms..
but there r times i just want this relationship to end..
and i know how u really luv me..
but sumtimes, affection is always not enuff.
i gave up once.
fade up with ur actions.
hopefully i will not give it up again.
i miss u..

and i luv u..

-290108-

books

i have wanted a set of vc andrews book all my life!
i remembered once, there was a show on the tv based on this novel,
called Flowers in The Attic.

i luv books with a family value (not so value, jst family stories) combined with luv stories in it, that can make me cry, make me happy, like im part of the drama in it.. huhuh
can sumone suggest on wat book to read based on the criteria above? huhuh
i miss reading books. but got no time to read. work is all i have. 247.

Currently reading : FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC By V.C.ANDREWS Release date: 2004