Paranoid!

~Never go into a relationship
and doom it from the beginning,
but dont go into it expecting it to last forever~

wat a quote..
d meaning is so deep..
wats with the title anyway?
yeah.. dis word came frm my frnd, mimi..
whenever i expressed to her bout my problems with my bf,
she’ll said.. ko jgn nk paranoid, bleh tak?

huhuhu
how not to become paranoid?
dats the question..
im not tryin to be..
n i dunt want to be dat way..

uve got the ups and down in a relationship..
probably more down than up for me..
its hard to begin, and its harder to end it..
go with the flow..
jodoh tak kemana..
forgive and forget (wat jijie just said to me)..
saying those words seems easy, but applyin it in daily lives..
hmm i thnk its difficult..

somethings getting in d way, sumthins just bout to break..
im not hapy in wat i do.. im not hapy who i chose to b wit..
wat d hell is wrong wit me..
i pray to God each n every day.. hoping d bst for me in future..

im sick wit my life… i regret wat i did in past..
but i just move on.. and on.. gather my spirit..
and hoping wats in d past will not return in present..
have u ever wonder y ur alive?
y God gave u a soul with your body?
i shouldnt think like dat..
but i guess i should just live my life better..

its been almost 25 years for me living in this world..
but what have i done that makes me satisfied wit myself?
urghhh..
im being paranoid again..
i alwiz felt so small, bcoz of my small body i guess..
i alwiz felt stupid, eventhough im smart..
i alwiz felt im ugly, bcoz of nt having dat ‘body power’..
i alwiz felt left behind, bcoz of unsuccessful relationships i had..
im not being me..
i wish i cud be.. but i cannot find myself..
im being hypocrite to be dat gewd person.. or to be dat bad person..
watever..

i have to think positive..
sumtimes, i wonder if i could just runaway and leave all behind..
be a new person..
i should be hapy wit my life..
but i guess im not dat happy now..
evrtying wat evolves around us will come again and again..
and only we ourselves who can say no or yes..
to take it or leave it..
to say it or just do it..
huhhh…

life aint easy…
but im still thankful to b a muslim..
i remembered when its like when i forgot God for a while..
life felt hopeless, evrthings just not rite..
but now, i know where i could hang on to..
i dont want to give my 100% attention to d one i luv,
its not bcoz im ego.. well, just a little.. huhu
its bcoz im afraid..
afraid of losing.. afraid not to be the same person again..
i shall be awaken!