confession of a broken heart

- I just cannot lov u like before
- Ive done something bad to u
- I will hurt you more
- Its not u, its me
- Trust me, this is better for both of us
- I dont want u anymore, move on!

wow.. those words really hit me hard, ripping my heart out of chest.. i
just could not believe it.. we hadnt have any big fights, screaming or
cursing at each other.. NONE.. but i guess when the sun came up, the
reality sets in.. dont expect dat when ur happy, the other one is.. its
been a week now, and now i have the courage to tell my breakup story..
the miserable days ive been thru..

DAY 1 - Cry like a baby

After he told me all, he didnt want me, how he suddenly, out of the
blue, blindly rejected me, how words spilled out from his mouth without
mercy and how he easily broke my heart just like that.. I just cried
all the way, forgetting people around me.. i took MC and went back
home, i just could not work anymore.. i asked him why over and over
again.. wat did i do wrong.. but no clear and true explanations could
be answered.. my heart felt so sore, i could just feel it.. racing like
"crazy pig".. my hands were shaking pretty badly.. suddenly evrything
went black.. i could not focus, crying and screaming like a
psychopath.. theres no way i could hang on to myself, because this came
all of a sudden, without warning, without any signs.. i was not
prepared for it mentally.. that night, i could not sleep.. my mind was
troubled with all the questions.. "how he could do this to me?", "is it
because im small, im nt cute enuff?", "did i say sumthin wrong?", "y he
suddenly changed?", "when he stopped lovin me?", "if he said he loved
me just few days ago, y suddenly he hated me?"... Arghh! the questions
kept repeating over and over again til to dis day.. my emotions are all
mixed up, at first i was so into tears, and then i hated him, then i
missed him, then i just wanted to kill him.. then i felt that i cannot
let go of him, but i cant do anything bout it.. and continued to cry
like sick baby.. that nite, i was texting him messages, every sentences
that came across my mind.. for every hour, every minute.. mcm org gile,
btul2 mcm org tak waras.. dat time i just cannot think rationally..

Day 2 - Pink panther.. tenet.. tenet... tenenneett..

On this day, i became CSI agent, criminal mind agent, u-name-it agent..
and the investigation begun.. i wanted to know how she looked like.. i
searched here and there.. i asked all d people related.. finally found
it! shes tall, she looks sweet wit her juling air eyes.. but friends
told me i was prettier.. haha biasela nak amik ati kwn tgh sedih.. and
when i got to know more, jeng jeng jengg... it hurt my feelings more..
at lunch time, i didnt eat.. i remembered my last meal was on monday..
and this day, was on wednesday.. so its 48 hours la rite? hmm i just
cannot eat.. i tried to sleep, cant either.. i missed him.. i tried to
call since morning til afternoon, texting more and more, begging him to
pick up the call or reply my message.. but it makes things worse, i got
geram and sad, then i burst into tears in front of the PC.. i called my
bestfriend, awin.. she got mad at me and told me to stop calling or
investigating because it will make me hurt more.. the pain is so
indescribable, felt left alone, unwanted and so desperate to have his
lov back.. i continued to msg and call him til night, biaserla degil,
thought i can challenge myself, how far i can sakit ati lagi.. but its
not worth it.. i will only make myself stupid.. then, at night..
tadaaaa.. he picked up the phone! i didnt cry at all.. i felt so
relieved til after we spoke, i stopped crying!

Day 3 - Mat Cool Kawanku

I dont know where this strength came from.. I guess from God and family
who prayed for me.. I didnt even cry on this day.. maybe its because of
the endless doa before..

"ya Allah, jika die bkn jodohku, hapuskanlah cinta padanya. peliharalah
aku daripada sakitnya perpisahan dan selamatkanlah aku daripada
pedihnya kekecewaan. Engkau tenangkanlah hatiku dan ketemukanlah org yg
lebih baik daripadanya, yg dpt membimbingku ke jalanMu"

I also read the quran the night before, trying to cool me down.. but
tears kept flowing down while reading.. It made me relax a little and i
did the Istikarakh to make me think clearly and what choices shud i
take.. I stopped calling and texting him..

Day 4 - Reminder

It was like the same day as before but i got weak.. I read previous
messages when we first start dating.. and i started to text him, i
wanted to remind him that he used to love me before and wat he said
before.. he told me not to be scared when i said i was afraid to hav a
new relationship with him.. scared to being hurt again..if i let myself
be happy for even one moment then suddenly the world's just going to
come crashing down and i dont know if could survive that.. but it
finally happened.. and now ive become this coward person again..

Day 5 - Friends and family support

My sisters started sending messages and comments.. One was by Kakja -
"buat ape nk miserablekn diri sedangkan si ex doesnt feel anything?"
maybe true.. when i think about wat he told me "u break, then ull
meet sumone new.. its just easy.. awk pkir je bercinta ni senang, then
senanglah jadinya" hmm whos the one is truely hurt right now? whos the
one that really lovs u and got dumped? then i started to share my story with Mimi.. she told me to be strong and think bout wat he did.. how heartless men can be.. sume jantan sama je..

Day 6 - I wish i cud be Uma Thurman

I felt anger, hate and vengeance are takin over.. i dont miss him as much.. i started to forget him.. and started to have the images where i became Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, with her samurai.. I imagined i sliced him into two.. haiyaaaaarkk!! chopped his head, then badan putus dua.. fuuhh, puas ati.. that images kept showing in my head when i think bout him.. tapi takde la nk buat btol pon..

Day 7 - Girlpower

Bila da cool down, no more calls, no more texting to him.. so no more sakit ati lagi.. i shud have done this since the first night.. now it has been 5 days since i stopped texting and calling him.. let it be like this.. and now i can rationalize things.. i have accepted this breakup, and that he was not meant for me.. i cant get so angry at him because he treated me well for the last 8 months with him.. he was the best boyfrend i ever had.. but it just didnt turn out well.. i think he has a mental problem.. hihi.. but still im mad at him and im not ready to forgive him.. so now, im planning for roadtrips and vacations with my grlfrends.. cant wait to.. and i dont wat to involve in any relationships anymore.. yes, da serik.. seseriknye.. will not fall into men sweet words anymow.. let it be me on my own, with my grlfrends only.. thanks all for ur support..

this breakup made my mama and familys worried bout me.. Mama called me, 'jgn sedihla, takde jodoh wat camne.. byk2 la doa'.. hearing those made me cried.. shes worried that im getting old and im not married yet.. i hated when people asking me when im getting married.. this is one of the reason.. ur in love, u already usahakan.. tapi tuhan tanak bagi gak jodoh tu.. so wat can u do.. rather than askin me, better doa kt Allah jodoh sy ye.. i cannot do anything bout it.. so now im just going to live my life withot men.. ive had it..

to him: i pray for ur happiness.. hope evrthings good for u.. even for a while, but u made me happy.. thank u..