nobody knows

- taken frm a frend's page-

Nobody knows its empty
The smile that i wear,
The real one is left in the past
Bcoz U have left me there

Nobody knows I'm crying
They won't even see my tears,
When they think that I m laughing
I still wishing u were here.

Nobody knows its painful
They think that I m strong,
They say that this wont kill me
But I wonder if they were wrong.

Nobody knows I'm praying
That u will change my mind,
They think that I had let u go
When u left me behind.

Nobody knows I miss u
They think I feel set free,
But I feel like I m bound with chains
Trapped in the mystery.

Nobody knows I need u
They say I can do it on my own,
But they dont know I m crying
When I m all alone....

lov is in d airr.. lalalalaa~

wehuuuu!

probably, most of u guys wud b surprised wit d titile.. hikhik..
uve been punked! nt by ashton kutcher, my handsome bf.. but meeee! ngahaha

ok2.. so wats d story mrning glory?
dis jan, it wud be 7 mnths im single.. u heard dat rite.. * i mean read dat rite..
i realized dat im hapy dis waaayy..
dats y i gained 7kgs in 5months!! first time everrr reached 47kgs..
a month after my breakup, my weight dropped frm 43 to 40..
then after dat.... grrr... must.excercise.silly!

hey! actually, i dont want to talk bout my fatness!
it shud b about... will u marry me? hakhak

wow.. i cud say dis is d longest of me being single witout d questions/sentences like
'when will i get marry' or 'i feel so lonely witout a bf' or 'i suck' or 'im a desperado'..
truth is, now......!
im sick and tired to be in lov againnn! after all d dramas, and endless heartbreaks..
hah! or is it bcoz...
i havent meet my mr. right guy?
am i choosy?
of course lah! right now, no one is better than before.. haihh.. move on damn it!
i am. i am. its just that the 'wooooow-oooooo-hes d one!-guy' isnt just there yet.
n once ive found him, i can forget d past one easily.. yeahh..

soOOo.. wats my type of guy? jeng jeng jenggggg...
let it be a secret... or else
ull b jst sumone pathetic who only wants to impress me..
but d main thing is...
RESPONSIBILITY! >>> how can u b d leader in a marriage, if ur so stupid? evryting i need to tell u ka??
like to PRAY 5 TIMES a day!??!!
bcoz im nt dat prfect u know..
so u hev to lead me if i got lost smwhere in d jungle and accidently took d wrong path.
u shud guide me back where i shud b n NOT leave me.
evryone.is.not.perfect! .u shud nt b d DEVIL.nor.d ANGEL. ur a human.. duuuuhhh!

i keep praying to God. if hes d one for me, then open my heart to him.
if hes not, shut it tightly.
people around me, dont force me when i dont want to.
d looovv will come..
dis time it shud be d final one.. InsyaAllah..

woww.. cant wait when d time comes..
being who am i know, makes me think wat i really want in life..
whos there for me when i need it..
appreciate myself mor, nt condemning myself like b4..
and i do complain a lotttt before! but m tryin not to now.
hey im cute kannnn.. n i just reached 27, i stilll look young..
so no need to worry much..
lov life more, lov God more.. then u can seek happiness :))

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ nawwar, 13th dec - 9:27pm

thanks to grlpawa.... frnds n family, for evrthing..
eventho i might b like sum shitty smtimes, but i do lov u all...

haaapy eidulfitri!

after a week in Kota Bharu, im backk..
this raya, i enjoyed it very much..
enjoyed being single, enjoyed to be young again..
surprisingly, no one asked me when will i get married.. heheh
and to my surprise also, as i was bukak posa d last ramadhan wit my family at Horizon.. got a sms from him.. my heart stopped for a while..
after 3 months, witout a word frm him..
he wish me slmt hari raya, maaf zahir batin -xxxxx-..
but i didnt reply, y want to.. it wasnt frm d bottom of his heart nyway..
he must be sms'ing all his friends wit d same msg..


wats so exciting for dis raya was, all my family got together..
my brother flew all d way frm Dubai..
and we got to take family pics together...
i was always d professional photographer, took pics at our living room..
we also had a shot taken at a studio in KB..
i didnt like it, kinda old style..
i preferred white studio but d photographers were still on leave..
so no choice, took pics at Medo...

for the 3rd raya, we had our family fiesta..
that will be told in my next blog..
and 4th raya, we all ate at Four Seasons, a quite famous chinese restaurant.. treated by my sis-in-law, kakned..

lullaby

found a new song called Evacuate.
lov it a lot!
how did i find it?
just watched a movie, 'Going the Distance',
d actress is my twin, Drew Barrymore. :p
in d movie, theres this band kept appearing.
they r called as 'the boxer rebellion'.
so as usual, youtube it and search for d best song.
enjooooooy!



-d lyric-
I dont wanna say
If it goes away
And I dont wanna try
You dont have to lie

And I dont think I said
What I should have said
I never caught you out
Though I had my doubts

Wait
When theres nothing left to waste
On a promise I can make
You dont want no one this way
Wait

And I dont see inside
Where you try to hide
And I dont wanna do
What you asked me to

Wait
When theres nothing left to waste
On a promise I can make
You dont want no one this way
Wait

We see each other from the corners of the room
I think that when this mess is over
Never make a move
When all I see is broken down to every size
I will remember how I got here
Love in every eye
I dont remember if the rest are ever good enough
And I dont remember if the rest will ever mean as much

And I dont wanna say
If it goes away
And I dont wanna try
You dont have to lie

goin down!!

chaos!... lots of tickets comin in...
dis is all bcoz of the New Zealand earthquake..
network downn! router down! switch down! oh my..
found a song by 3 days grace! and my head is banging now..

kenape ALLAH temukan kita dengan org yg salah

Memang sakit bila cinta yg kita dambakan selama ini tak dihargai oleh insan yg bernama kekasih,apatah lagi kita dibuang begitu saja... tapi,itulah juga petanda terbaik untuk diri dan kehidupan kita pada masa akan datang.

1. memang ALLAH sengaja menemukan kita dengan orang yg salah supaya apabila kita bertemu jodoh yg sebenar,masih ada rasa syukur kita pada ketentuanNYA.

2. memang ALLAH sengaja menemukan kita dengan orang yg salah supaya kita dapat menjadi penilai yg baik.

3. memang ALLAH sengaja menemukan kita dengan orang yg salah supaya kita sedar bahawa kita hanyalah makhluk yg sentiasa mengharapkan pertolongan ALLAH.

4. memang ALLAH sengaja menemukan kita dengan orang yg salah supaya kita dapat KASIH SAYANG YANG TERBAIK,KHAS UNTUK DIRI KITA.

5. memang ALLAH sengaja menemukan kita dengan orang yg salah supaya kita sedar bahawa ALLAH MAHA PEMURAH & PENYAYANG kerana mengingatkan kita bahawa dia bukanlah pilihan yg hebat untuk kita dan kehidupan kita pada masa depan...

6. memang ALLAH sengaja menemukan kita dengan orang yg salah supaya kita dapat mengutip pengalaman yg tak semua orang berpeluang untuk mengalaminya.

7. memang ALLAH sengaja menemukan kita dengan orang yg salah supaya kita jadi MANUSIA YG HEBAT JIWANYA.

8. memang ALLAH sengaja menemukan kita dengan orang yg salah supaya kita lebih faham bahawa CINTA YG TERBAIK HANYA ADA BERSAMA ALLAH.

9. memang ALLAH sengaja menemukan kita dengan orang yg salah supaya kita LEBIH MENGENALI KEHIDUPAN YG TAK SELAMANYA KEKAL.

Wahai sahabat yg kecewa,menderita dan sengsara kerana cinta, fahamilah bahawa kehidupan kita makin sampai ke penghujungnya.

Hari esok pun kita sendiri tak pasti samada menjadi milik kita. Gapailah keredhaan ALLAH dengan melaksanakan suruhanNYA, dan meninggalkan laranganNYA..

PERCAYALAH sesungguhnya ALLAH malu untuk menolak permintaan hambaNYA yg menadah tangan meminta dengan penuh pengharapan HANYA kepadaNYA..

-petikan diperolehi dari pencarian google-

frm me:

ape yg dikatakan di atas adalah benar.
dibuang dan dihina beberapa kali.
sakit hati tak terhingga.
but im still standing til now.
sekuat2 nya ku gagahkn.
mujur iman kuat kali ini.
agaknya sebab itu lah Tuhan bagi ujian demi ujian dalam setahun ini.
untuk mengajarku. untuk menyedarkanku.
mungkin untuk menghapuskan dosaku yg lalu juga?

stiap kali ptus cinta, pertanyaan akan muncul di benakku.
kenapa... dan kenapa...
petikan di atas adalah jawapannya..
aku slalu menyalahkn diri sdiri..
mungkin sikap ku.. mungkin fizikal ku..
tapi andai diri secantik Balqis atau kasih setulus Zulaikha pun..
jika Tuhan katakan tidak, dan tidak lah..

mungkin jodoh itu kita rasakan yg terbaik,
tapi dengan doa dan bimbinganNya,mungkin ada lagi yg terbaik..
Tuhan takkan menganiayai hambaNya..
itu yang aku tanamkan dalam fikiran stiap hari..

tahun lepas aku putus cinta..
tapi aku menjadi lalai, iman ku lemah..
aku mengikut perasaan iblis nya..
kononnya supaya dia rasa apa yang ku rasa..
smakin hanyut, smakin emosiku tak terkawal..
kali pertama aku menampar manusia bergelar jantan..
tetapi tidak lama..akhirnya aku dapat balasan darinya..
tamparan pertama sepanjang hidupku..
hidung bagaikan mahu tercabut..
pasrah mendapat balasan..
akhirnya aku membuat keputusan untuk tidak kembali padanya..

selepas raya pada tahun yg sama,
Tuhan ketemukan org yg ku rasakan baik dari sebelumnya..
memang..dia menjagaku dan menyintaiku..
kami jarang bertikam lidah..
aku perlahan2 berubah menjadi seorang muslimah..
menutup apa yg wajib ditutup..
tetapi kebaikan ku dipersoalkn..
aku menjawab 'ini adalah utk kebaikan ku, bkn kerana mu'..
pernah ku fikir, adakah ini salah satu alasan nya utk meninggalkn ku?
atau alasan lelaki lain yg mengatakan 'kau terlalu baik untukku'..
sgt tidak masuk akal..
pada masa ini aku menguatkn imanku..
dan aku bertekad, jika aku putus cinta lagi..
aku tidak akan menyerah diri kepada hasutan iblis..
aku akan terus berdoa meminta yg terbaik dari Nya..

akhirnya, waktu itu muncul..
cinta strusnya kecundang jua..
aku menerima cabaran ini dengan menambahkn lagi ibadatku..
terus terang ku katakan, selepas bertaubat untuk kali pertama..
aku dapat ketenangan yg tak dpt diperolehi sblm ini...
agaknya Tuhan mendengar hajatku..
untuk menenangkan hatiku dan kembalikan semangatku..

kini.. aku lebih bahagia..
aku sedar bahawa tidak perlu seseorang untuk bahagia..
hanyalah cinta yg hakiki, iaitu cinta Tuhan..
hari demi hari aku cuba untuk menjadi lebih baik..
AKU CUBA...... JIKA AKU LEMAH, INGATKAN LAH AKU..

namun dengan dugaan ini, Tuhan telah kurniakan rezeki kepadaku..
aku mendapat kerja idaman yang telah aku nantikan sekian lama..
sesungguhnya Tuhan Maha Pemurah Lagi Maha Penyayang..
jadi tidak perlu berkejar2 untuk mencari jodoh..
ataupun cinta yg strusnya..
ia pasti akan datang..
dengan doa yg berterusan..

walaupun hati dikecewakan berulang kali..
aku bersyukur..
ia menjadikan aku lebih tabah..
peduli apa org kata..
mereka tidak merasainya..
tapi kita yg mengalaminya, beruntung dengan pengalaman ini..
dapatlah muhasabah diri, untuk menjadi lebih baik..
atau memberi peringatan kepada anak2 kita nanti..

*ini peringatan untuk aku, mahupun wanita2 di luar sana yg menjangkau 30an dan baru putus cinta.. ketahuilah sesungguhnya memang aku poyo ckit dalam penulisan.. hehe

music of my heart

im so excited today... heheh... know y?
coz i found a good song!!
back then, i lov to go to gigs and hear bands playing..
or just download songs thats interesting to my ears..
the soundtrack movie, or soundtrack frm drama series, or someone singing it in public.. u name it, ill find the song til d 'worm's hole'..
but since few years back, ive stop downloading other new songs..
now im back...... to search for more....

like to share with u one song i found... so good! and d lyrics, suitable for my situation now... hahahha.. GO ON NAWWAR!!!!!! will be back for more never-heard-in-radio songs..



Say No to Love

Yeah I’m looking for you
and I know you’ll be found
with the parking lot kids,
with the loneliest crowd
And his heart’s on his sleeve

and your hand’s on the wheel
trying hard not to say
what you just don’t feel -
yeah you just don’t feel

Now you’re looking away
could you plan an escape
from the places you’ve known,
where they know your mistakes?

And you wish he would stop
and you wish you weren’t steel
should you try to do something
that you just don’t feel?

Something’s coming,
but nothing ever does
Something’s coming
you better say no to love

When everything he says is wrong
and all you want to feel is “gone”
go on

When everything he does is wrong
and all you want to feel is “gone”
go on

tolol~

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love".


-Neil Gaiman-

redlight is coming..
my mood is swinging..
my eyes are tired..
my mind is awake..
my fingers are moving..

im bongok.. for missing u..
and u r a tolol..
so dat makes me a tongek..
and wat m i merepek'ing'??!
iii needd sum sleeeep..!

ngantoknyeeeee.......

y women always have the mood swing? i dont like it..
ladies and gents, this is called PMS.. please read,

http://www.womenlivingnaturally.com/articlepage.php?id=100 or,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_syndrome

n im havin all the mood symptoms now..
-Depression-Sadness-Anxiety-Anger-Irritability-Frequent and severe mood swings

so please dont mess wit me now... dudududuuu~

cant ignore it

“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because i know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when i lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other;for those were some of the best times of my life.”

every night, every day.. ur always there in my mind..
hard to fall in love again..
bcause ur like a nail that cant be pulled out..
stucked in my brain..
but u were never there in my dreams..
cant open my heart to others..
i tried..
then our moments kept flashing back..
oh God..
how much i really need u now..
to see ur eyes looking at my eyes again..
i miss u....
but i cant do anything..
bcoz u hate me well enuff....

movin on..

alhamdulillah...

it has been 2 mnths, and 8 days now.. ive manage to go thru all d pain again and this time, doa yg berterusan+solat saved me.. i got more courage and im much happier now.. wit me, all by myself to figure out what i want in life.. wat i used to be back then.. the cheerful me..

i started to love HIM and asked my forgiveness. bertaubat for the bad things ive done in life..
seriously, after that, i feel way much better now.. and slowly accepting wats not meant for me..
i know God has planned sumthing good.. InsyaAllah..

Im not perfect

There are no tickets for tonight so im free now.. I was googling blogs in my night shift and i found something interesting just now, i dont know whether its from Dr. Fadzilah Kamsah's. So let me share it with you..

And I wish he could read this, since he told me 'Awk gf paling baik skali, awk jaga saya bagus sgt tapi sy takleh syg awk lg.. Sy suka kt pmpuan tu, lagi tinggi, lagi lawa, bljr oversea'..

the title is called 'Jangan Mencari Terlalu Sempurna'

Jika kamu memancing ikan....
Setelah ikan itu terlekat di mata kail,
hendaklah kamu mengambil ikan itu....
Janganlah sesekali kamu LEPASKAN ia
semula ke dalam air begitu saja....
Kerana ia akan SAKIT oleh kerana bisanya
ketajaman mata kailmu dan mungkin ia akan MENDERITA selagi ia masih hidup.

Begitulah juga .........Setelah kamu memberi banyak PENGHARAPAN kepada seseorang...
Setelah ia mulai MENYAYANGIMU hendaklah kamu MENJAGA hatinya....
Janganlah sesekali kamu meninggalkannya begitu saja....
Kerana dia akan TERLUKA oleh kenangan bersamamu
dan mungkin TIDAK dapat MELUPAKAN segalanya selagi dia mengingatmu....

Jika kamu menadah air biarlah berpada,
jangan terlalu mengharap pada takungannya dan janganlah menganggap ia
begitu teguh.... cukuplah sekadar keperluanmu....
Apabila sekali ia retak.... tentu sukar untuk kamu menambalnya semula.... Akhirnya ia dibuang....Sedangkan jika kamu cuba memperbaikinya mungkin ia masih dapat dipergunakan lagi....

Begitu juga jika kamu memiliki seseorang, TERIMALAH seadanya....
Janganlah kamu terlalu mengaguminya dan janganlah kamu menganggapnya begitu istimewa....
Anggaplah dia manusia biasa. Apabila sekali dia melakukan KESILAPAN bukan mudah bagi kamu untuk menerimanya....
akhirnya kamu KECEWA dan meninggalkannya.
Sedangkan jika kamu MEMAAFKANNYA boleh jadi hubungan kamu akan TERUS hingga ke akhirnya....

Jika kamu telah memiliki sepinggan nasi...
yang kamu pasti baik untuk dirimu. Mengenyangkan. Berkhasiat.
Mengapa kamu berlengah, cuba mencari makanan yang lain..
Terlalu ingin mengejar kelazatan.
Kelak, nasi itu akan basi dan kamu tidak boleh memakannya. Kamu akan menyesal.

Begitu juga jika kamu telah bertemu dengan seorang insan..... yang pasti membawa KEBAIKAN kepada dirimu. MENYAYANGIMU... MENGASIHIMU...
Mengapa kamu berlengah, cuba MEMBANDINGKANNYA dengan yang lain.
Terlalu mengejar kesempurnaan.
Kelak, kamu akan KEHILANGANNYA apabila dia menjadi milik orang lain.. Kamu juga yang akan MENYESAL....

cameron highlands

On 3rd July 2010, me and the girls (Zie, Kakmer, KakEli) had our first roadtrip together to Cameron Highlands, and it was my first trip to Cameron also. We didnt have any info to go there or where to stay.. It was a last minute plan..

We departed around 3.30pm. At first we took the road heading to Genting, but luckily before getting to MRR2, a friend said its better to use the highway to Ipoh and enter the Simpang Pulai exit just after Tapah. So we patah blk and continued to drive to the new direction. Zie was the driver of the day. The road to Cameron was a bit scary, so narrow and bengkang bengkok. I dont know how all the cars can drive so fast on a road like that. At almost 8pm, we arrived there and searched a place to stay. All the budget hotels were full. We had no choice left, so we stayed at a hotel called Irish Hotel, with a family room. There were 2 single beds, and 1 queen bed. Enough for the 4 of us. It was quite a big room but the toilet looked like it has been used with someones pee around that bowl. Yuck man!

After we put our things at the hotel, we had our dinner. The owner of the place was handsome. Hehe. Sempat bermain mata sekejap. Da full, then went back to hotel and drank Kopiko instant coffee. So good...

The next day, we went to the Rose Valley and Strawberry Land to take some pictures. Then head to the tea farm before goin back home. It was an exhausting day but fun with just the girls. Kakmer had a flu there. And i got it after we were home. Got 2 days MC for that.

so wonderful

this afternoon, right after cycling with zie.. went to Pantai Kelanang with abang, kojek, and zaly.. am d only grl, just to menyibuk! they went there to shoot sunset pics.. but i was there, just to relax my mind.. and yeap mission accomplished! the sunset was very beautiful and wonderful, it was just so soothing to see evrything.. and worth of dirtying my pants.. biar terkena kotoran demi pengalaman ;p on the way back, i spotted a love in the sky.. woow, so pretty i tell ya..

pictures from these photographers
http://www.flickr.com/photos/kojek2210/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/eilfikluz/

my butt hurts!

this morning, me and ziey went cycling at Bukit Cerakah, now called as Bukit Cahaya, i guess? last week we went there but it was closed already.. so here we are again.. early in the morning.. the ticket price is 3rgt per adult, and the bike rental is 4rgt.. if want to rent the new one, then the cost will be 5rgt.. but the new one was already finish so we took the old one.. at first, it was a bit awkward, well it has been 10 years since my last ride.. huhu the fun part when cycling was going down the hill! hee haw! but goin up the hill needed a lot of stamina and energy.. hah! my legs hurt afterwards.. and also my butt!

best friends wedding

yesterday, my friend for almost 20 years got married.. her name, aqeelah@qiey.. she got married with her 3 years bf.. the nikah took place at her house at bangi, on 18th Jun 2010, just after her birthday which is on 17th June 2010. I cried a little, d tears of happiness.. and some of it, tears of sadness.. d thought that reminds me of how easy he left me..

they became husband and wife with just a lafaz.. so happy for them, could see how much they lov each other even tho they dont say it evrday.. and qiey was so lovely that day.. after the akad, we ate lamb wit bread.. so good uhm uhm yummy.. i eat a lot these days.. coz b4 i went there, i already ate, then i ate again.. and again.. my tummy seems so hungry.. :)

and now, just came back from qieys reception at UPM.. went there with Sae and Kinot, 3 bujang lapoks.. huhu we all agreed to wear brown clothes just like qiey's wedding color theme. D gang was all there including Rozie and family.. except, dilot who was from Penang.. finally got to see baby Irdina.. comel like her momy.. met most of my oldest friends there, from sek rendah til menengah.. it was so much fun.. after taking some pictures, we went back home..

to my friend, qiey, u deserve to be happy.. ur such a nice friend for the whole year ive been friends to u.. may apis, ur hubby take good care of u.. a good person is meant for someone good also.. thats jodoh.. and u and apis were meant to be for each other for the rest of ur lives.. make a lot of babies..!

lompat si katak lompat!

ranidaphobia - fear of frogs!

im afraid of them NOT bcoz of their yucky skin.. but mama used to tell me when i was little, "once they bite u, they will never let it go til u hear the sound of thunder, it hurts when they bite"..

and til to dis day, i dunno whether that is true or not.. i dunno whether they have teeth or not.. true or false, i will run when i see them.. that goes for d doggies also..


this below pic, taken from my home's doorstep@KB.. i took d pic about a meter far.. i was going to take pics of d cute lil kitties, but mr. frog, d kitties bodyguard got angry at me.. look how garang his face was, muka pn mcm hulubalang, cuba letak pedang kt sblh.. budget takot laa.. tapi memaaang, ngerrr.. laaaaaaaaaariii~

spiderman

last sunday, 13th June 2010.. we did our 3rd mission.. it was a success also! 2/3 missions completed last weekend.. hahah reminds me of playing GTA, grand theft auto where u have to complete all the missions given.. ok, so the 3rd mission was wall climbing!! this will not happen without aji's help.. thanks bro! kamu lah sifu kami.. hihi i have tried to climb before at Camp 5, OU last year.. without the ropes, and without help.. it suck.. but this time, aji yang baik hati ade.. he's the one who gave us guidance, and hold the rope tightly so we couldnt fall.. we arrived at Putrajaya by 4pm, and rented shoes (rm7), harness (rm5), and belay (rm4).. so cheap la here.. http://www.putraclimb.com/2008/11/putrajaya-challenge-park/

at first, ziey was afraid to climb "tanakkkkk ko la dlu, aku takoott".. so i tried the small wall first, then the big wall.. i didnt manage to reach even half of the wall.. hahah it was so hard, and my hands were shaking.. sangat lenguh ok.. felt so stupid, n i just ignored evryone around.. biarpon byk je mamat2 ensem.. hahah then it was ziey's turn.. dgn lajunya, she almost reached the top.. tak padan dgn takot tadi.. but another quarter to top, she got tired.. after her 2 more tries, i climb for my 4th attempt.. heheh this time, i manage to reach the same level as ziey.. just a quarter to go.. dis time, my hands felt so heavy, sgt2 lenguh, i just couldnt reach out my hands to another rock.. i couldnt grip because my hands were sweating and my nails were long and got scratched.. so next time, better cut d nails short first..

after our turns, it was aji's turn.. yg semmgnye da profesional.. fuh just a few minutes, he reached the top.. then he tried another harder rock.. me and ziey were so tired and waiting hungryly.. we havent had our lunch for that day.. almost 7pm, me, zie, aji and apis had drinks and d best roti john at Putrajaya.. that was the most tiring day.. but so fun to do! and til to dis day, my hands and legs are aching and so much pain.. even ziey pon had a hard time opening the bottle.. huhuhu.. thanks to sifu aji, and his friend apis for spending the time with us.. :D next time kite gi lagi yerr..

missions to accomplish

as soon as after my breakup, my mind was full of plans.. going here and there, doing wat ive been longing to do.. things that i cant do while with him.. and now, i felt ive become a free single woman! i can go out with anyone else, i can do anything i want, without thinking bout him, without tryin to avoid hurting his feelings.. but in the end, when u try hard not to, its just useless.. end up, im d one whos hurt..

ok cut the crap.. so, on 12th June 2010, my 1st mission failed coz d place was already closed. we arrived like 5 minutes late.. agak geram la kan, but we'll go there next week.. ziey was already babbling.. hahah ziey, 'the queen of saying stupidos'.. we didnt know where to go so we went back home and tried for our 2nd mission that night, eating!.. hihi at first, i was so tired to go, and afraid also.. coz ziey told me the road to go there was a bit scary.. but in the end, well wat the heck goin just d 2 of us? im brave to do anything now..

the journey began after maghrib, i drove there and yeap the road was so dark, without any street lights, like the road to ulu yam with jungles around.. but there were plenty of cars in front and behind so i wasnt so scare enough.. finally we arrived at the top, it was raining lightly and we had to park below.. ziey, babbling again.. "tu la ko tanak dtg petang ckit, parking kt atas da pnuh.. kan da kena naik tangga tinggi tuu, hujan plak tuu! bodoh".. hahaha sbar je la kn.. we took the tiring stairs, like sg Gabai punye tangga.. fuuh, half way, semput skjp.. up there, the view - woww.. so amazing! got to see the whole KL, KLCC view.. i was smiling all the way, so excited!

we wanted to sit at the highest level but the seats were full, next time we should reserve first.. i had lamb chop, and ziey had chicken chop.. the prices were not so expensive.. ok2 laa.. lamb chop - rm13.90, and teh tarik - rm3.90.. the food pon ok2 laa, but dont order teh tarik.. not so good, i cudnt taste the tea itself.. we had our romantic lesbian moments.. hahhaa then again, ziey thinkin bout his ex again.. this time, i got mad at her.. "tlg lah z, kite datang nk enjoy, stop talkin bout the guys anymore, theyre just selfish men!" dat time, i cudnt think one memory bout him.. its jst that, ive already asked him to go there before but he didnt want to.. while we were eating, the lights went out.. sumone celebrating his gf's brthday there, they all started to sing.. then the guy said 'happy bday, lov u baby'.. whoaa so romantic.. while me and ziey sitting there, hearing each other problems and picking up the shattered pieces to move on..

bye bye software engineer

m not feelin well today.. and suddenly i miss him..
my body is in pain from wall climbing yesterday..
i havent think of him before, but i dunno y..
just now, memories came flashing back when i suddenly clicked on his pic..
huargh nyesal plak open my hardisk..
today wud be my last day working here in Bukit Jelutong..
im not so sad bout it and now impatiently waiting for the clock ticks 1pm..
tonite ill be goin back to KB..
i hope dat mama wont ask me bout the breakup..
then im goin to update my blog again and insert new pics..
and tmrow... Portugal's match! hope theyll win..
last weekend was so tiring.. full of activities..
cant wait to update about it.. hehe :D

confession of a broken heart

- I just cannot lov u like before
- Ive done something bad to u
- I will hurt you more
- Its not u, its me
- Trust me, this is better for both of us
- I dont want u anymore, move on!

wow.. those words really hit me hard, ripping my heart out of chest.. i
just could not believe it.. we hadnt have any big fights, screaming or
cursing at each other.. NONE.. but i guess when the sun came up, the
reality sets in.. dont expect dat when ur happy, the other one is.. its
been a week now, and now i have the courage to tell my breakup story..
the miserable days ive been thru..

DAY 1 - Cry like a baby

After he told me all, he didnt want me, how he suddenly, out of the
blue, blindly rejected me, how words spilled out from his mouth without
mercy and how he easily broke my heart just like that.. I just cried
all the way, forgetting people around me.. i took MC and went back
home, i just could not work anymore.. i asked him why over and over
again.. wat did i do wrong.. but no clear and true explanations could
be answered.. my heart felt so sore, i could just feel it.. racing like
"crazy pig".. my hands were shaking pretty badly.. suddenly evrything
went black.. i could not focus, crying and screaming like a
psychopath.. theres no way i could hang on to myself, because this came
all of a sudden, without warning, without any signs.. i was not
prepared for it mentally.. that night, i could not sleep.. my mind was
troubled with all the questions.. "how he could do this to me?", "is it
because im small, im nt cute enuff?", "did i say sumthin wrong?", "y he
suddenly changed?", "when he stopped lovin me?", "if he said he loved
me just few days ago, y suddenly he hated me?"... Arghh! the questions
kept repeating over and over again til to dis day.. my emotions are all
mixed up, at first i was so into tears, and then i hated him, then i
missed him, then i just wanted to kill him.. then i felt that i cannot
let go of him, but i cant do anything bout it.. and continued to cry
like sick baby.. that nite, i was texting him messages, every sentences
that came across my mind.. for every hour, every minute.. mcm org gile,
btul2 mcm org tak waras.. dat time i just cannot think rationally..

Day 2 - Pink panther.. tenet.. tenet... tenenneett..

On this day, i became CSI agent, criminal mind agent, u-name-it agent..
and the investigation begun.. i wanted to know how she looked like.. i
searched here and there.. i asked all d people related.. finally found
it! shes tall, she looks sweet wit her juling air eyes.. but friends
told me i was prettier.. haha biasela nak amik ati kwn tgh sedih.. and
when i got to know more, jeng jeng jengg... it hurt my feelings more..
at lunch time, i didnt eat.. i remembered my last meal was on monday..
and this day, was on wednesday.. so its 48 hours la rite? hmm i just
cannot eat.. i tried to sleep, cant either.. i missed him.. i tried to
call since morning til afternoon, texting more and more, begging him to
pick up the call or reply my message.. but it makes things worse, i got
geram and sad, then i burst into tears in front of the PC.. i called my
bestfriend, awin.. she got mad at me and told me to stop calling or
investigating because it will make me hurt more.. the pain is so
indescribable, felt left alone, unwanted and so desperate to have his
lov back.. i continued to msg and call him til night, biaserla degil,
thought i can challenge myself, how far i can sakit ati lagi.. but its
not worth it.. i will only make myself stupid.. then, at night..
tadaaaa.. he picked up the phone! i didnt cry at all.. i felt so
relieved til after we spoke, i stopped crying!

Day 3 - Mat Cool Kawanku

I dont know where this strength came from.. I guess from God and family
who prayed for me.. I didnt even cry on this day.. maybe its because of
the endless doa before..

"ya Allah, jika die bkn jodohku, hapuskanlah cinta padanya. peliharalah
aku daripada sakitnya perpisahan dan selamatkanlah aku daripada
pedihnya kekecewaan. Engkau tenangkanlah hatiku dan ketemukanlah org yg
lebih baik daripadanya, yg dpt membimbingku ke jalanMu"

I also read the quran the night before, trying to cool me down.. but
tears kept flowing down while reading.. It made me relax a little and i
did the Istikarakh to make me think clearly and what choices shud i
take.. I stopped calling and texting him..

Day 4 - Reminder

It was like the same day as before but i got weak.. I read previous
messages when we first start dating.. and i started to text him, i
wanted to remind him that he used to love me before and wat he said
before.. he told me not to be scared when i said i was afraid to hav a
new relationship with him.. scared to being hurt again..if i let myself
be happy for even one moment then suddenly the world's just going to
come crashing down and i dont know if could survive that.. but it
finally happened.. and now ive become this coward person again..

Day 5 - Friends and family support

My sisters started sending messages and comments.. One was by Kakja -
"buat ape nk miserablekn diri sedangkan si ex doesnt feel anything?"
maybe true.. when i think about wat he told me "u break, then ull
meet sumone new.. its just easy.. awk pkir je bercinta ni senang, then
senanglah jadinya" hmm whos the one is truely hurt right now? whos the
one that really lovs u and got dumped? then i started to share my story with Mimi.. she told me to be strong and think bout wat he did.. how heartless men can be.. sume jantan sama je..

Day 6 - I wish i cud be Uma Thurman

I felt anger, hate and vengeance are takin over.. i dont miss him as much.. i started to forget him.. and started to have the images where i became Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, with her samurai.. I imagined i sliced him into two.. haiyaaaaarkk!! chopped his head, then badan putus dua.. fuuhh, puas ati.. that images kept showing in my head when i think bout him.. tapi takde la nk buat btol pon..

Day 7 - Girlpower

Bila da cool down, no more calls, no more texting to him.. so no more sakit ati lagi.. i shud have done this since the first night.. now it has been 5 days since i stopped texting and calling him.. let it be like this.. and now i can rationalize things.. i have accepted this breakup, and that he was not meant for me.. i cant get so angry at him because he treated me well for the last 8 months with him.. he was the best boyfrend i ever had.. but it just didnt turn out well.. i think he has a mental problem.. hihi.. but still im mad at him and im not ready to forgive him.. so now, im planning for roadtrips and vacations with my grlfrends.. cant wait to.. and i dont wat to involve in any relationships anymore.. yes, da serik.. seseriknye.. will not fall into men sweet words anymow.. let it be me on my own, with my grlfrends only.. thanks all for ur support..

this breakup made my mama and familys worried bout me.. Mama called me, 'jgn sedihla, takde jodoh wat camne.. byk2 la doa'.. hearing those made me cried.. shes worried that im getting old and im not married yet.. i hated when people asking me when im getting married.. this is one of the reason.. ur in love, u already usahakan.. tapi tuhan tanak bagi gak jodoh tu.. so wat can u do.. rather than askin me, better doa kt Allah jodoh sy ye.. i cannot do anything bout it.. so now im just going to live my life withot men.. ive had it..

to him: i pray for ur happiness.. hope evrthings good for u.. even for a while, but u made me happy.. thank u..

sakitnye

im sitting here now, in my office..
in front of this pc, wit d screen dat looks blurry to me..
only my fingers are moving, typing wats d brain telling me..
tears falling down heavily, n im covering it with d shawl i bought frm dubai..
it has been for 2 days i got migraine..
i wish i culd go back now and cry all out..

why.. why.. why its happening? all of a sudden?
why.. u said theres nothing i shud get worry about..
but why im crying? why i still wake up in the middle of the night?
n y is my heart felt like it has been shattered to pieces?

what is wrong with u? what did i do wrong?
y ur like this? y?
i need to go back home now..
thats all..

d good gene

have u ever wondered, where u came from?
whos ur great,great grandpa or grandma?
were they a good or bad person?
as for me,
im really grateful to have the genetic of a great and religious family..
but as i shud have taken this opportunity to be a better person,
i got 'tersimpang' a bit..
astaghfirullahalazim..
may Allah always shows me the guidance and right path..
so here let me tell u the story of my great grandfather..

Haji Abdullah Tahir was one of the well-known religious leaders in Kelantan due to his vast knowledge in fiqah and also because he was the founder of Bunut Payong cottage.He was in the same team as Haji Ali Pulau Pisang, Haji Yaakub Lorong Gajah Mati, Haji saad Kangkong and Haji Ahmad Batu Tiga repek.

He was taught by Tok Kenali for 15 years before pursuing his further studies in Mecca.There, he attended lectures by Tuan Mukhtar Bogor, Syeikh Said al-Yamani, Syeikh Mohd. Ali al-Maliki and others.

Upon his return to Kelantan, he was requested to join the teaching staff of Halaqat Kitab at Muhammadi Mosque in Kota Bharu but not for long. In 1931, he established his own education centre known as Madrasah Ahmadiah in Bunut Payong, Tuan Guru Haji Nik Abdullah Tahir devoted his time to the religious teaching at Bunut Payong cottage until the end of his life. He was known as a religious leader who was self-disciplined and diligent in teaching.Due to his determination, Bunut Payong cottage succeeded in producing learned individuals like Hj. Husain Rahimi, Hj. Nik Man Sungai Budor, Hj. Abdul Aziz Pasir Tumboh and many others. He was also appointed as the head of MAIK Religious Congregation for several terms of service, since the beginning of 1932.

Kelantan lost another great and knowledgeable religious leader with his passing at 7.20 a.m. on Tuesday morning, August 15, 1961.

source taken from: http://www.kelantan.edu.my/tokoh.htm and
http://ms.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abdullah_Tahir_bin_Haji_Ahmad
_______________________________________________________________________

The story of my great grandfather was told in Ulama Malaysia at Astro.
I think in the month of Ramadhan, the tv show will appear again.
My family said that his picture is shown in Kelantan Museum
but ive never been there even though i can call myself as a Kelantanese.

And how im related to my great grandfather?

Nawwar (me)--> Hazami (mom)--> Zainab (grandma)--> Abdullah Tahir (great grandpa)

My grandma used to tell me when the Japanese soldiers attack Kelantan,
they didnt have the guts to enter a Tok Guru's house,
made my grandma and her siblings safe from the soldier's rape.

I think thats y til to this day,
im still safe from anything bad that ever happens to me, and my family..
With the doa of the eldest, especially my mom who always pray for me,
InsyaAllah things will be better for me..

never giv up!

finally, after all the endless doa..
after the endless waiting for 4 years since i got my ccna/ccnp..
i got a job as a network engineer! my dream job..
alhamdulillah.. im so grateful to HIM..
can u imagine wat its like..
doing the same boring job everyday..
and all this while, i can feel theres an empty space inside..
i feel like that i cant succeed further..
and it makes life so much depressing..
but now, i feel relieved..
like theres one burden taken off frm my shoulder..

now i can take one step ahead..
stabilizing my career and gain upper level..
no need to change companies nymore..

even if my salary is a bit lower from now,
but doing what u like makes u care less than nything else..
that wat makes me happy.. !

i would like to thank God for making my prayers come true..
my parents, for their doa and support..
also qiey, my longest and kindest friend who helped to pass my resume..
we played with each other when we were young, we went to the same school on the same van, and now we will work in the same team! ho yeahh..
and not to forget, bakti, my bf who waited for me when i was interviewing till he falls asleep in the car.. and for his teguran that can be hurtful sumtimes, but just tryin to make me a better person..
lov u all...

wat i learn from this whole career experience is..
do not ever give up pursuing your dream..
in the meantime, need lots of doa and patience..
who else can give u rezeki if its not HIM?
its just a matter of time, dream will become reality..

and so this is wat i called pursuit of happyness! :)

credit card

surprise.. surprise..
checked my crdit card transactions few days ago..
and found extra 50 bucks for service tax..
thought it was for overdue, but i never paid later than that..
i called to ask..
they said that its for the government tax..
rm50 per customer for a year!
and more tax? what else that needs to be taxed in this country?
rm50 is a lot for standard ppls..
i cud fill my car wit oil for one whole week..
and wat makes me a bit mad is from this below news;

"Banks are likely to absorb the RM50 service tax on credit cards, considering that they already provide cardholders with rebates worth more than this."
-source taken from the star

its just the bank's reason to give rebates.. im using petronas crdt card for a year now, n till now i havent got any rebates.. so wats the 'worth more than this means?

rm50 for NOTHIN..

lone ranger

yesterday, it was raining heavily when i stepped out of d office..
then this colleague, wanted to share my umbrella..
so we walk together, and she was holding it..
i got wet too because it didnt cover me wholly..
i didnt mind because i like being wet, then ill get sick..
if sick, i can take MC, then ill get my bf's affection.. hehe..
but im working today, so im healthy as i can be..
ok.. skip bout that..
now, dis colleague, i dont kno wats her name.. i jst call her 'akak'..
and d conversation begun..
akak: 'u ni lone ranger la'..
me: 'huh? y.. sbb sorang2 ker?'..
akak: 'yerlaa.. jalan sorang2.. pegi mane sorang2'
me: 'haha.. bahagia idup kot'
the end...

well truth is, i dont mind being alone.. at certain circumstances..
actually not evrything alone, i alwayz eat with dis chinese guy..
but maybe coz i dont join the malay grls..
doesnt mean dat im avoiding them, i also join their activities, netball, gym..
my style.. avoid the girls first.. gossip girls.. xoxo.. haha
jealousy is all around.. dats y its good to b friends wit boys..
ok, so ill just be silent first for sumone i dont know..
then ill observe wat kind of attitude they got..
at this state, ppl will say dat im arrogant.. haha
but later, yeaahh.. when u get to know me.. crazy as i can be..
my secret, i have a superhero power..
sumtimes ill know wat kind of attitude they got by looking at their face..
hmm.. sumtimes im right, sumtimes im wrong..
u shud try it.. first look at their mouth.. heeeeee
u can see if ones the loud type or not..
then, look at their face expression..
u can make a conclusion just by that..
so dats it, happy reading one's face! :)

“None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

bo lembu.. eesh eesh

bila baca blog ni berulang kali, spt nta pape plak kan..
org klantan pgl, jiwo molek.. hahaha!
daus la ni, tanak baca sbb geli..
dah laa mencemarkan chat box dgn menyamar sbg aku..
tapi takpe, mari meriahkan bersama.
mimi pon ckp aku JK - jiwa kacau.. hehe
infact almost evryone ckp mcm tu..
but the truth is, korg akan sunyi tanpa gelak tawa aku kan..
haa, sape je gelak spesel mcm aku ni? krohh.. krohh..
sandra bullock je bleh buat.. i tell u..
ok time to go back..
sok hari baru, blog baru lagi.. kalau ade masa.. yooosshhh..

revived!!

huhuh..
finally, ive activated this blog again!..
i started using it since 2004.. and stopped all d activities at 2006..
jst now got problems signing in, coz i cant remember d username n password!
n another problem is the email i used for this blog is my old email..
owhhh how much i lovd my old email - urstink@yahoo.com..
it got hacked at 2006.. and dat was my oldest email since 1997!
i will not HALALkn whoever is using it..
and still i cant login into myspace coz using dat email also..
and i forgot d password also! hahhaa silly me..

i dont know wats wrong wit my head now..
usually, i can remember phone numbers or birthdays easily..
i also cant remember my bf's handphone either!
but after i only force myself to remember, then only i can remember it now..
haiyaa, now i hafta eat kismis evryday..
as wat my ex asked me to do..
he can remember things easily, and smart oso.. dats y im followng his advice..
ok.. stop praising d devil now.. whoops!
to increase ur memory, as soon as u wakeup,
eat 7 kismis with a glass of air suam, and selawat 7 kali.. amalkn stiap pagi..
insyaAllah u will not be nyanyuk..

now for the updates..
last 2 weeks, my car was hit frm behind at d bukit jelutong toll..
just a small one.. and need some paint job..
i havent fix it yet..
but still, ill get afraid when driving, especially when it involves car braking..
berdebar2 jantungkuuuuu... ohh..
ill look at d front mirror and see if the car behind me 'sempat' brake or not..
if not, duuuuuuumm again! huu mintak jauuuhh lagiii..

now for d love life..
hmmm quite a bit of problems here n there..
lov sucks.. in d beginning, yeaahh evrything is so wonderful..
u jump i jump la rite...
hmm, then 6 months later, dats when u get to know d REAL person ur with..
fuuuuuuuuuuuhh! its makin me craaaazzzzzzyyy!!
i can tell u dat its for sure..
i just hope things will go smooth between us...
and plz mouth.. when im angry, just shutup coz ur gonna worsen evrything!
but after the good and bad things happen, and what were goin thru til now,
i still looov him..
i guess im stupid sumtimes when it comes to lov.. evrtyime lah u!

next, job!
las week, i got an interviw wit a scret company.. it went ok i guess..
so the result shud be las friday, but now its monday!! monday bluessss..
hmm y issit called monday blues, not monday yellowish or smthing?
im hoping to get dat job, coz ive been waiting for 4 years to be a network engineer!
dat wat will me happy for d rest of my life, besides getting married n hav my own child!
but guess.. im stuck forever wit dis boring job again..
and wit boring ppls around..

so conclusion of this entry is..
me will never giv upppp..
me will try hard!!
me will COMPLAIN a lot but me will move ahead!!
(or else, i think i shud be dead by now..suicide? noo..)
me lov wat me got!!
me lov me! me cry, me hapy, me am me!
me lov God! really do.. HE gave a lot to me!
me can do it! hoo yeaaahh..
me strong.. come on bebehh...

tq i lov u for reading my blog.. huhuh hahaha
rasa mcm org psycho lak sumtimes.. noooooooott!

p/s: wheres my lovie dis mrning? no goodmrning email frm him.. syg ooo syg..

words..

cant breathe..
hurts so much..
tears flowing heavily..
it just cant stop..

how words can be so painful to sumone..
how words can be so meaningless to sumone..
how words can change evrything..

im sick.. havin a bad fever..
im stuck in dis house..
and feeling miserable..
and feeling more miserable because of those words..

when u try hard.. so hard..
to be more patient..
to be more understanding..
even frnds told me ive changed..
that ive become more optimistic..

but wat can u do..
if u still cant give enough happiness to sumone..
eventhough theres no fighting..
eventhough theres no swearing..
eventhough theres no cheating..

so eventually, blame it on the physical..
i know im small..
i know im not sexy enuff..
i know im not so beautiful..
i know i have double chin..
and im stink too..

tell me y, i shud not feel insecure..
tell me y, i shud not feel paranoid..
u have changed day by day..
u told me things that i dont expect to hear from u..
sumtimes, i just feel like dat i want to end this..
so that i dont have to think wats on ur mind..
and i dont have to repeat the miserable days
ive gone through..
d days where i got dumped..
its hard.. and its tough..

Istiharakh will save me..
I pray to God everyday if ur not meant for me..
please shut my heart off and let the memories fade away..
but i dont want to let u go..
because i lov u so..

tired of trying

tired.
tired to be sumone.
tired to be me.
tired of trying.

wish i cud fly.
up up away.
goin forward.
without hesitations.
without problems.
all by myself.

but this is life.
d circle of life.
to b a daughter.
to be a mom.
to be a grandmother.

future is uncertain.
so many questions inside my head.
i culd just pray.
to God, to Allah.
for a better life.

there r so many choices in life.
but i chose to be this way.
i could not resist the satan’s whisper.
im so weak.
dats wat i hate.

sumtimes i cry.
wondering y.
if i cud just die.
n forget all d question of why.
why im stupid.
but life must go on.
its not easy.
to get through this.

im scared.
scared of being hurt again.
scared of being left alone forever.
scared of getting older.

everyday i doa.
but i think its not enuff. i dont pray 5 times a day.
i forgot. to love HIM.
but im still grateful for everthing HE has given to me.

i still remembered wat a frend told,
‘manusia akan sentiasa di uji oleh-Nya walau yg buruk atau yg baik.
untung if Tuhan uji dengan musibah, coz kita akan balik kepadaNya.
tapi kalau Tuhan uji dengan kekayaan, most of manusia apla. nauzubillah’

Nabi s.a.w bersabda: “Tidak ada sesuatu yang menimpa seseorang Islam sama ada kepenatan, kesakitan,
kesusahan memikirkan perkara yang akan datang, kedukaan, sesuatu yang menyakiti, atau kesusahan mengingatkan
apa yang telah berlaku - sehinggakan tikaman duri yang mencucuknya - melainkan Allah hapuskan dengan sebabnya,
sebahagian dari dosa-dosanya.”

so i must be strong.
but if i cry.
Nur Bakti, please be there for me.
and understand that this is my weakness.
im just a human still tryin to be better.