bo lembu.. eesh eesh

bila baca blog ni berulang kali, spt nta pape plak kan..
org klantan pgl, jiwo molek.. hahaha!
daus la ni, tanak baca sbb geli..
dah laa mencemarkan chat box dgn menyamar sbg aku..
tapi takpe, mari meriahkan bersama.
mimi pon ckp aku JK - jiwa kacau.. hehe
infact almost evryone ckp mcm tu..
but the truth is, korg akan sunyi tanpa gelak tawa aku kan..
haa, sape je gelak spesel mcm aku ni? krohh.. krohh..
sandra bullock je bleh buat.. i tell u..
ok time to go back..
sok hari baru, blog baru lagi.. kalau ade masa.. yooosshhh..

revived!!

huhuh..
finally, ive activated this blog again!..
i started using it since 2004.. and stopped all d activities at 2006..
jst now got problems signing in, coz i cant remember d username n password!
n another problem is the email i used for this blog is my old email..
owhhh how much i lovd my old email - urstink@yahoo.com..
it got hacked at 2006.. and dat was my oldest email since 1997!
i will not HALALkn whoever is using it..
and still i cant login into myspace coz using dat email also..
and i forgot d password also! hahhaa silly me..

i dont know wats wrong wit my head now..
usually, i can remember phone numbers or birthdays easily..
i also cant remember my bf's handphone either!
but after i only force myself to remember, then only i can remember it now..
haiyaa, now i hafta eat kismis evryday..
as wat my ex asked me to do..
he can remember things easily, and smart oso.. dats y im followng his advice..
ok.. stop praising d devil now.. whoops!
to increase ur memory, as soon as u wakeup,
eat 7 kismis with a glass of air suam, and selawat 7 kali.. amalkn stiap pagi..
insyaAllah u will not be nyanyuk..

now for the updates..
last 2 weeks, my car was hit frm behind at d bukit jelutong toll..
just a small one.. and need some paint job..
i havent fix it yet..
but still, ill get afraid when driving, especially when it involves car braking..
berdebar2 jantungkuuuuu... ohh..
ill look at d front mirror and see if the car behind me 'sempat' brake or not..
if not, duuuuuuumm again! huu mintak jauuuhh lagiii..

now for d love life..
hmmm quite a bit of problems here n there..
lov sucks.. in d beginning, yeaahh evrything is so wonderful..
u jump i jump la rite...
hmm, then 6 months later, dats when u get to know d REAL person ur with..
fuuuuuuuuuuuhh! its makin me craaaazzzzzzyyy!!
i can tell u dat its for sure..
i just hope things will go smooth between us...
and plz mouth.. when im angry, just shutup coz ur gonna worsen evrything!
but after the good and bad things happen, and what were goin thru til now,
i still looov him..
i guess im stupid sumtimes when it comes to lov.. evrtyime lah u!

next, job!
las week, i got an interviw wit a scret company.. it went ok i guess..
so the result shud be las friday, but now its monday!! monday bluessss..
hmm y issit called monday blues, not monday yellowish or smthing?
im hoping to get dat job, coz ive been waiting for 4 years to be a network engineer!
dat wat will me happy for d rest of my life, besides getting married n hav my own child!
but guess.. im stuck forever wit dis boring job again..
and wit boring ppls around..

so conclusion of this entry is..
me will never giv upppp..
me will try hard!!
me will COMPLAIN a lot but me will move ahead!!
(or else, i think i shud be dead by now..suicide? noo..)
me lov wat me got!!
me lov me! me cry, me hapy, me am me!
me lov God! really do.. HE gave a lot to me!
me can do it! hoo yeaaahh..
me strong.. come on bebehh...

tq i lov u for reading my blog.. huhuh hahaha
rasa mcm org psycho lak sumtimes.. noooooooott!

p/s: wheres my lovie dis mrning? no goodmrning email frm him.. syg ooo syg..

words..

cant breathe..
hurts so much..
tears flowing heavily..
it just cant stop..

how words can be so painful to sumone..
how words can be so meaningless to sumone..
how words can change evrything..

im sick.. havin a bad fever..
im stuck in dis house..
and feeling miserable..
and feeling more miserable because of those words..

when u try hard.. so hard..
to be more patient..
to be more understanding..
even frnds told me ive changed..
that ive become more optimistic..

but wat can u do..
if u still cant give enough happiness to sumone..
eventhough theres no fighting..
eventhough theres no swearing..
eventhough theres no cheating..

so eventually, blame it on the physical..
i know im small..
i know im not sexy enuff..
i know im not so beautiful..
i know i have double chin..
and im stink too..

tell me y, i shud not feel insecure..
tell me y, i shud not feel paranoid..
u have changed day by day..
u told me things that i dont expect to hear from u..
sumtimes, i just feel like dat i want to end this..
so that i dont have to think wats on ur mind..
and i dont have to repeat the miserable days
ive gone through..
d days where i got dumped..
its hard.. and its tough..

Istiharakh will save me..
I pray to God everyday if ur not meant for me..
please shut my heart off and let the memories fade away..
but i dont want to let u go..
because i lov u so..

tired of trying

tired.
tired to be sumone.
tired to be me.
tired of trying.

wish i cud fly.
up up away.
goin forward.
without hesitations.
without problems.
all by myself.

but this is life.
d circle of life.
to b a daughter.
to be a mom.
to be a grandmother.

future is uncertain.
so many questions inside my head.
i culd just pray.
to God, to Allah.
for a better life.

there r so many choices in life.
but i chose to be this way.
i could not resist the satan’s whisper.
im so weak.
dats wat i hate.

sumtimes i cry.
wondering y.
if i cud just die.
n forget all d question of why.
why im stupid.
but life must go on.
its not easy.
to get through this.

im scared.
scared of being hurt again.
scared of being left alone forever.
scared of getting older.

everyday i doa.
but i think its not enuff. i dont pray 5 times a day.
i forgot. to love HIM.
but im still grateful for everthing HE has given to me.

i still remembered wat a frend told,
‘manusia akan sentiasa di uji oleh-Nya walau yg buruk atau yg baik.
untung if Tuhan uji dengan musibah, coz kita akan balik kepadaNya.
tapi kalau Tuhan uji dengan kekayaan, most of manusia apla. nauzubillah’

Nabi s.a.w bersabda: “Tidak ada sesuatu yang menimpa seseorang Islam sama ada kepenatan, kesakitan,
kesusahan memikirkan perkara yang akan datang, kedukaan, sesuatu yang menyakiti, atau kesusahan mengingatkan
apa yang telah berlaku - sehinggakan tikaman duri yang mencucuknya - melainkan Allah hapuskan dengan sebabnya,
sebahagian dari dosa-dosanya.”

so i must be strong.
but if i cry.
Nur Bakti, please be there for me.
and understand that this is my weakness.
im just a human still tryin to be better.

huwarghhh.. yum2..

“can’t sleep, clown will eat me…” - bart simpsons

sleepy oh sleepy..
so sleepy i wish i cud sleep..
so sleepy dat d table looks so yummy..
sleeping zzzz sleeping zzz..
wat am i babbling?
cant do my work..
no productivity..
sleepy oh sleepy..
y ur makin me a dummy?
slap me slap me!
ouch it hurts, stupid me..
waky waky u sleepyhead!!
oh my, im havin puffy eyebags..
well who cares?
i just want my 8 hrs beauty sleep!!
d beauty inside n out…
wooohooooo!

“I want to sleep, I want dreams to pull me from this world and make me forget. To stop the memories from swirling around me.To put an end to this ache that consumes me.”
-Carrie Ryan-

by nawwar 29dec2009,12:04pm..
tersengguk2 while waiting 4 lunch time, not to eat but to sleep!nyum2..

saya sangat bersykur ada kamu!

to whom i adore,

when i was about to fall down,
u came into my life..
even for a while,
u gave me so much happiness..
but..
when will dis end?
will it b just for a while?
will it b for d rest of our lives?
i hope we cud b together forever..

it was just so much pain..
to care for sumone who doesnt appreciate it..
but u..
u gave me hope..
to luv n to be luv again..
to forget d sad things..
and remember d wonderful moments..

for this period of time while ur with me..
d way ur eyes looking at me..
n ur prfct smile..
ur ears listening to me talk..
just eases my life to b wit u..
i thank u.. for being there by my side..
i pray to God dat i will not lose u..

saya sgt bersyukur ade kamu!!

wake me up when september ends

this journey..
to be no one to sumone..
ouch.. sakit kot..
almost 5 months have passed by..
til now im waiting..
waiting to be together again like we used to..
waiting u to change as good as u used to..
waiting for sumthin that i cant probably have..
ur love again..

since then, i felt so lost..
no one i can cling to.. only God..
i prayed every day, but still i cant control myself..
what he did, i followed..
its like ive lose my mind..
ive forgotten evrything.. who ive become and who im becoming..
all i care is that my heart has shattered into pieces..
and revenge is so sweet..

i keep prayin so dat one day..
i can forget him and his friends and family..
so God will jodohkan me with sumone who can guide me..
to be a true muslim, n not only by admitting it..

so til when i should be a hypocrite?
i dont know.. im so weak..
wat goes into my right ear, goes out thru my left ear..
im stubborn, im indecisive, im stupid, im paranoid..
if i could just forget evrything..
if i could just run away from here..
if i could just be good again..
will it be til sept ends? oct ends? or d end of d end?
-d end for now-
(coz i might say stupid stuffs and merapu byk lg if i continue…
u want to say dat im poyo, BOLOQ, ntapape?
ske atiku diriku.. c urself in d mirror first..
dats all i got to say..)

movin on..

I lepak at Hartamas wit mimi las nite.. and i got this sore throat for few days now..
it hurts so bad, and i felt i was getting sick..
suddenly tears fallin down,how i miss him badly..
i wish he was there to buy me sum strepsils or just being by my side.. it made me so sad..
then got back home and watched the movie - hes just not that into you..
and learnt sumthin from it..

-quotes taken from the movie-
Sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs.
how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.
And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future.
maybe the happy ending is just moving on.
or maybe the happy ending is this:
knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment…
you never gave up hope. (hope to simply wake up one day, smile at the reflection of yourself in the mirror and not wondering if you’re worth-loving)

And when things don’t quite work out for you two, you will be traumatized by the whole experience. It leaves you a big scar.

It hurts, giving something (along with your heart) to someone only to witness it be shattered into pieces.

Rose Kennedy once said “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.”

hugs

need a hug..
to comfort me..
need a hug..
to heal d heartbroken inside..
need a hug..
so dat i cn be alive again..
so dat i cn breathe again..
so dat i cn be hapy again..
after all d endless pain ive been thru..

its hard to let go..
for all the 10 years relationship we had..
i thank u for the tears of joy..
and the tears of sadness when i was wit u..
its just so easy for u to forget..
when u had ur moments with them..
its just so easy for u to forget..
when u had it all..

u caused me pain, too hard for me to heal..
u bring me misery, too hard for me to handle the difficult situation..
im no one now..
i dont know wat ive become now..
im clueless..

heal me again..
take me to the right direction..
take me where ive started before..
im dying..
my soul is dying..
it hurts so bad..
now im at d lowest point in my life..
how could you be so heartless??

save me… hug me… dats all im asking for..

life is too short for a stupid war!

2009..

dis year, stayed at home..
wondering and sleeping as d clock ticks 12am..
heard d fireworks..
but just ignored it..
y wanna clbrate?
its sad to see other country being attacked..
where is d humanitarianism?
seeing a child being killed, brought tears to my eyes..
y wanna kill innocent people lives?
its been years they suffer..
just STOP!! STOP ALL D WAR!!!!
makes me grateful to live in this country..
but d other day..
i saw this old man was picking used bottles at d parking lot..
finding recycle things that can be sold..
its so sad to see there r still many poor ppl out there..
as long they find rezeki yg halal, God will alwiz be by their side..
there r sooo rich ppl spending their money on wasteful things..
like how paris hilton spent her money $400 a minit buying clothes
just for her new year clbration..
so for this year, i just hope that the world we’re livin in would be a better place,
just as michael jackson’s song..
im hapy to know now he has became a muslim if its true..
another reason i dunt wanna clbrate is..
part of me, im not hapy.. i dunt know wat i really want..
but if i knew wat i want, things will get blurred in d end..
im just hapy to know dat my family and friends are alwiz by my side when i need them..
i would like to apologize for my mistakes i did as for d whole year of 2008..
i know ive hurt lots of feelings..
for 2009, i hope i could get married.. my goal as my age would b 26…
finding the person who really luvs u is really hard..
well its not hard, but sometimes, we cant see it..
we let go of it without tryin to know more of them..
not giving a chance to understand them as well..just looking at d outside, not inside..
but thats just me.. hurting myself more and more to be wit sumone i luv..
im hoping dat guy would take care me more as when i first knew him and how he approached me..
and how he treated me for d first few months of us being together..
i hope d spark will not end… d luv would be just right there… not goin anywhere..
huh.. enuff of all d 2008 craps..lots of hopings and ‘angan-angan’..
open a new book, and rechapter evrthing..
hope i could be a better muslim.. a better daughter-sister-friend-employee, just a better person..
peace to all… ! jiayou!

Paranoid!

~Never go into a relationship
and doom it from the beginning,
but dont go into it expecting it to last forever~

wat a quote..
d meaning is so deep..
wats with the title anyway?
yeah.. dis word came frm my frnd, mimi..
whenever i expressed to her bout my problems with my bf,
she’ll said.. ko jgn nk paranoid, bleh tak?

huhuhu
how not to become paranoid?
dats the question..
im not tryin to be..
n i dunt want to be dat way..

uve got the ups and down in a relationship..
probably more down than up for me..
its hard to begin, and its harder to end it..
go with the flow..
jodoh tak kemana..
forgive and forget (wat jijie just said to me)..
saying those words seems easy, but applyin it in daily lives..
hmm i thnk its difficult..

somethings getting in d way, sumthins just bout to break..
im not hapy in wat i do.. im not hapy who i chose to b wit..
wat d hell is wrong wit me..
i pray to God each n every day.. hoping d bst for me in future..

im sick wit my life… i regret wat i did in past..
but i just move on.. and on.. gather my spirit..
and hoping wats in d past will not return in present..
have u ever wonder y ur alive?
y God gave u a soul with your body?
i shouldnt think like dat..
but i guess i should just live my life better..

its been almost 25 years for me living in this world..
but what have i done that makes me satisfied wit myself?
urghhh..
im being paranoid again..
i alwiz felt so small, bcoz of my small body i guess..
i alwiz felt stupid, eventhough im smart..
i alwiz felt im ugly, bcoz of nt having dat ‘body power’..
i alwiz felt left behind, bcoz of unsuccessful relationships i had..
im not being me..
i wish i cud be.. but i cannot find myself..
im being hypocrite to be dat gewd person.. or to be dat bad person..
watever..

i have to think positive..
sumtimes, i wonder if i could just runaway and leave all behind..
be a new person..
i should be hapy wit my life..
but i guess im not dat happy now..
evrtying wat evolves around us will come again and again..
and only we ourselves who can say no or yes..
to take it or leave it..
to say it or just do it..
huhhh…

life aint easy…
but im still thankful to b a muslim..
i remembered when its like when i forgot God for a while..
life felt hopeless, evrthings just not rite..
but now, i know where i could hang on to..
i dont want to give my 100% attention to d one i luv,
its not bcoz im ego.. well, just a little.. huhu
its bcoz im afraid..
afraid of losing.. afraid not to be the same person again..
i shall be awaken!

wats left to say

its been for months since my last blog..
dis is my first day working after raya..
and im stting here thinking wat to say ere,
even though got tons of works to do..
i guess i can call it ‘relax-earlier-but-tensed-last-minute’ kind of work..
hmm.. raya dis year was kinda different for me..
bcoz i clbrated with d one i luv..
samo2 ore klate..
dats the best part when u have sumone with d same kampung as u r..

well, actually my emotions are all mixed up rite now..
i dont know if this relationship is based on love, or its just fate?
fate as like..
u believe its fate, and u seem u dont care where this relationship will lead u too..
ur not being serius, u dont care bout other feelings, u just say lov u but eventually ur mind is thinking sumone else..
just go with the flow, my mind is telling me.. but its not easy..
need lots of patience…

i hate being in dis situation..
i hope i could get over evrthing in the past..
dis is y it is so hard falling in lov with ur ‘almost 9yrs’ bstfrnd..
u know their past, n when u think of it, ull make a comparison..
and that makes me mad..
i dont want this but it happened..
hope wats in future will be a happy ending after all..

after wat ive been thru, ups and downs..
emotionally hurt, i dserve better..
i dont know wats goin to happen..
but im feeling theres sumthing wrong..
sumthins getting in d way, sumthins just about to break..
hopefully not..

invisible mann..

i hope i could be invisible.
stalking to know the truth.
wandering around freely without being seen.
lonely, but away from problems.
listen as people speak.
talking without voice.
no one can know wat u think.
confused. crying inside. asking for help.
all i want is the truth.
curious leads to burden.
wondering painfully.
breathe for a while.
think positively.
as the truth given, the brain accepted as lies.
1001 questions should be answered.
but only a quarter could be explained.
others would be seek afterwards.
waiting for the truth that might hurt.
or it might be a lie after all?

mnuju kemajuan…. la sgt..

i wont vote.
waste of time.
wont read papers lately.
skrg baru nk terhegeh2 maju kan inila, itula.
im not one of the stupid rakyat that will fall for all the bullshits talk.
barang naik, minyak pon nak naik lagi.
hows dat going to help the rakyat konon2nyer?
we have got more people suffering and tak ckup mkn.
and u all sibuk mengkayakan kroni2 yg semmgnyer da kaya?
majukan itu, majukan ini..
think wisely.
murahkan barang, murahkan all the foods, murahkan daily things.
and people can eat. people can work hardly. people can live.
why want to raise the tolls?
i dont even see any improvements.
still got motorcyclist in the middle of the road and menyusahkan nk memotong.
if i accidently hit them, who should be blame?
me right? it will not be the motorcylist fault for riding in the right side of the road!
should build a special road for motorcycles since there’s a lot of motorcyclist here
in this country.
but where does all the money for d toll go?
i wonder…

i gave u an example here. In america, executives have the same salary with us, 2000 katakan..
their foods,example biscuits, cornflakes or watsoever can be bought as low as 1 dollar. that goes
for detergant also. their branded clothes, GUESS for example, can be bought as low as 20 dollars.
their cars also cheap. correct me if im wrong.

but for us, belilah barangan buatan malaysia pon, semuanya mahal! gaji executive pon dlm
lingkungan 2000 gak, beli makanan pon mahal. sume nak naik. kalau baju2, paling cikai pon leh
dpt 15rgt. kereta malaysia pon mahal.. nak2 sama harga ngn outsiders nyer.

day by day, rakyat makin susah.
this will lead to keruntuhan moral and watsoever.
ewah, mcm wat karangan pmr lak.

but im still thankful for living in malaysia.
its just that im not satisfied buying papers yang dari page awal ke akhir, all about.. ergh
nothing useful or berinformasi.
nk ktuk mengutuk, wat le paper sdri.
waste of money.

im sorry if this blog is terlampau.
but i dont think so.
im saying ere wat others r saying oso.
save the people, save the world. (as said in heroes, i changed the cheerleader)
hahaha
u want to majukan ape2, help the rakyat first.

i luv malaysia.. islam is d way..

miluv

sumtimes u make me laugh,
sumtimes u bring tears to my eyes..
sumtimes i hate u..
but most of the time i luv u..
last night i recieved a card frm u…
tot it was sumthing romantic..
but it was only a gong xi fa chai card..
cute though..
last 2 yrs, u gave me a raya card.
last yr, u gave me a deepavali card.
and dis year, gong xi fa chai card??
whoa, so romantic bf.
hahaha!
there r times i just wanna go back home intro yr arms..
but there r times i just want this relationship to end..
and i know how u really luv me..
but sumtimes, affection is always not enuff.
i gave up once.
fade up with ur actions.
hopefully i will not give it up again.
i miss u..

and i luv u..

-290108-

books

i have wanted a set of vc andrews book all my life!
i remembered once, there was a show on the tv based on this novel,
called Flowers in The Attic.

i luv books with a family value (not so value, jst family stories) combined with luv stories in it, that can make me cry, make me happy, like im part of the drama in it.. huhuh
can sumone suggest on wat book to read based on the criteria above? huhuh
i miss reading books. but got no time to read. work is all i have. 247.

Currently reading : FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC By V.C.ANDREWS Release date: 2004

luv

poyo..
m poyo?
ive made mistakes in my life.
ppl cant run from doin mistakes.
and so do i.
wat im tryin to say ere now is..
luv is blind..

the one who luvs u the most,
u never appreciate it.
i really hate him for wat he did to me before.
i was so mad for that.
when he called me, i gave so much excuses.
when he wanted to see me, i force myself to see him.
i was never happy when he approached me.
the disgust feeling came to over and over again.
but suddenly, just within this week..
i dunno why, i felt that i missed him so much.
and d other day, i dreamt, when i hug him, he didnt hug me back.
i woke up that day feeling so frustrated.
his luv for me is gone.

i realized now how much he loved me.
and its hard to find sumone like dat these days.
just sumtimes we need to take sum action to change sumone when
communication is not working anymore.
i remembered an email i got, fenghui watsoever,
marry wit sumone u luv to talk, as u get older conversation is important.
and to me, it is important.

feninnnlaa

feninnnlaa 

i wonder y, when ur trying to hate sumone and that sumone hates u back..
y it bothers alot?
i kept dreaming of that stupid person..
i want the dream to stop!
maybe i felt guilty .. but
im not the one who shud be sorry.. ! na-aah!

another thing that bothers me alot.
driving!
why cant just everyone be patient??
goshh..
nk main cucuk2 plak! ko laju pon, jam jugak!
stupidd..
last2, im the one whos faster than u..

huwaaaaa y im so moody now…
anyone wanna ride roller coaster?
cant wait to go for holiday..
and yeah, my bdays comin up..
and my handphone just rosak!!!
haihhhhh…

ha another thin..
networkin or programmin?
which is better?
So confusing!!!

MY FAV SONG NOW.. CLUMSY by FERGIE.. !

tryin 2 b bz

i need work.
tons of work.
i need to fulfil my time.
but got no task to do.
cant study, cant think.
dun wan to.
just wan to work witout thinkin.
me being dumb.
dun wan to be dat way.
me tryin to hold myself together.
its not easy.
need time and whole lot of spirit.
how am i supposed to do dat.
focus. focus and focus.
slawat and doa byk2…
Tuhan is there for me anytime.
i need Him now, and forever.
i am who i am.
i can take care of myself.
im not goin to cry in front of others.
i will be strong in front of them.
even though i felt so helpless,
i am not goin to be dat way.
frends, i luv u all 4 givin me support.
dats wat frends r for rite?
frends stick together.
dats all i have to say in dis dark morning.
its goin to rain..
my eyes wont rain. i wonder y?
i think im getting stronger day by day.
getting older, been thru lots of experience.
bad.. gewd.. happy.. sad.. all of it.
yeah, im getting wiser. not dumber.
huhuhu.
me luv myself. life must go on.
last for me,
takde doa yg didengar, takde usaha yg disia-siakan.
percaya pd diri dan hati.
cintailah diri dan segala yang kita ada.
jangan persiakannya.

damn u

y..y..?
im afraid now.
im clueless now.
im fuckin tired of thinking sumone else’s problem.
im tired of giving advices no one will hear.
i never dreamt in being in this situation.
felt trapped.
felt so annoyed and cant do anything about it.
this is way too much.
ya Allah, please guide me and all around me.
please protect me from bad peoples.
protect me from sins.
make me good. make people around me all good.
im so afraid.
i cant hold on to this anymore.
i could be.
i might be.
single.